I didn’t see this coming

Story by Michael V Louis

My life as a professional magician took me all over the world.

Being an only child meant my mother stayed home while I traveled the world on assignments. Not once did I think my mothers safety would be compromised by Dementia.

I began to notice that things weren’t well two years ago with Mum asking me the same question......every 30.....seconds.

I would come home late at night and smell Gas from the stove.

I would find a mug of milk in the micro wave.

One night, I came home from a performance and she wasn’t home......she went for a walk about in the middle of the night.

I noticed patterns of confusion: not knowing where the toilet is, not being able to support herself in taking a shower. This was a shocking new reality because I knew my traveling and career was now officially behind me.

I couldn’t in good consciousness leave my mother on her own any more.

I did not realize it but my retirement came much earlier than I even thought about.

I am 56 years old.

The last 18 months have been sheer hell learning to be a carer and dealing with what it entails. I had no brain pattern for this new role.

I go to bed at night feeling like a complete failure.

Everyday brings its own drama. The most difficult thing is knowing the woman who raised me no longer exists. 

I have had to learn a new way to communicate with mum inside her context, not the context I remember.

I have felt inadequate all my life, I feel even worse now at 56. This new role has tested my relationship with myself because my Mother needs me and I have to be there for her outside my normal role as a son.

My primary goal is that she sleeps well, eats well, has a shower every day and keep her calm. Such simple things and would you believe on a given day, they can be very difficult to actualize because her Dementia can play tricks on her and me when ever it feels like.

I just pray to god I can get through the day with as little flare ups as possible.

I am proud of one thing; I am here with mum now; I am single, not married, no children so my mother is my focus.

I fight for her dignity everyday.

I am just sad that this experience will dominate my memories of her. This is why I have chosen to document my mother’s life with my camera.

She is my number one model and photographs very well.

If nothing else, my photos remind me of her at her dignified best.