My Other Wife

Story by Cindy Codori-Schultz

Let me give you a little background....I was Blessed to have been brought up by two of the best parents God placed on this Earth. They were the rock solid foundation of our family for generations. In 62 years, I never heard my parents argue, never heard a harsh word from either about the other.

As I'm sure you already know, dementia (or as I call it “the Demon”) is like a chameleon, at times it is there right in front of us showing it's true colors and then other times, it is hidden, disguised in it's subtleties and second guessing. In the beginning we were called upon to be herpetologists quite frequently as we watched the daily habits of the chameleon. Dad had his good moments, and there were horrific ones.

When it became apparent that we could no longer ensure Dad's safety at home, we made the most horrific decision we had ever been called upon to do, we placed him in “Memory Care”. The details leading up to that day are one's that I keep buried in my psyche because they are too painful to relive.

With meds he improved and “graduated” (in other words, I had a serious “Come to Meet Jesus” meeting with the staff ) to Personal Care, where he remained alone for about 2 months before my Mom made the next biggest decision; she gave up everything to “go inside” with him so he would not be alone. I mean, EVERYTHING. She sold her home of 45 years and everything she owned, to go into Dad's world because she “did not want him to be alone in there”.

Just prior to them finding the right “formula” of meds for Dad, we had some pretty stressful days, some filled with anger, confusion, absolute disorientation, those were were the days that the “Demon” lurked always just in the shadows waiting for Dad to do HIS bidding. Other days we were lucky, and would be Blessed with just a bit of humor as on one day in particular. I took my parents to a local favorite, an ice cream place. As we sat at the table Dad made several references to his “other wife”, each time I could see the hurt in Mom's face, the sting, the sadness. 

Mom  had left the table to for a few minutes and I said, “Dad, you know she is the ONLY wife you have ever had, you have only been married once”. He looked at me and asked, “Are you sure? You mean SHE is my wife?”

Me:“Yes, Dad and you are my Daddy”.

Dad: “I'm your Dad?”

Me: “Yes, why do you think I keep calling you “Dad”?

Dad: “I was wondering about that.”

I'd like to say that settled it. It didn't. This went on for days. Each time I would watch the woman who had been by his side for 60+ years wince as he brought up his “other wife”. Then one day, like a gentle smack upside the noggin, it hit me! Hooray! I knew at that moment who dad's “other wife” was. I was so excited, couldn't wait to tell my mom.

“Mom, I know who it is! I know who Dad is talking about!”

“Well, I'm glad you do, because I certainly don't”.

“Mom, it's YOU! It is the younger YOU!” All the memories, that the “Demon”dementia tried to steal, tried to rob him of, that horrible IT could not rob him of his LOVE. He knew and never let go of the fact that he was madly in love with that woman he had married so many years ago and he just could not let her go. The “other wife” was my own sweet mom, the woman who had selflessly put her soulmate's needs before her own by going in to a nursing home years before her time.

As the meds did their magic, Dad returned to his more normal self. He never forgot Mom again. Maybe her name (often referring to her as “my wife”) but he always knew it was her. Two weeks before he passed, he even asked that woman he had been married to for almost 63 years, “Will you marry me? You are pretty.” She of course said she "yes".

So, if you look hard enough, sometimes there are answers along this journey, even with it's many detours, with a little luck you can get back on track and realize that love still is the destination.

In memory of my hero, my Dad, Bill Codori who at 87 answered God's call on July, 19 th, 2019.